The Basham Family: Over it.

I try not to use my public blog to whine too much. But I'm having a tough week, and this blog, this journal, is my friend. And who do you turn to when you're having a rough time? Your friends. So, not sure where this post is going to go and I swear I'm not in search of a pity party.....(well, ok, maybe I am).....but I need an outlet and I choose this.

I do have a few real live, flesh and blood friends too and I'm so grateful for them. In making lunch plans with one of them this week, we were discussing where to go that was on my diet radar. This is what I said to her:

"I'm feeling really weak. As in, if I walk past a bag of Doritos, I might just tear it open like a savage and stuff myself until my fingers, lips and shirt collar are completely orange. Then, I'll follow it up with an M&Ms chaser."

Yep, that about sums up how I feel right now. I'm over this diet.

And there's more to my choice of Doritos and M&Ms. Once upon a time, a blue million years ago it seems, my family went on a vacation to Florida. I have no idea how old I was. My memory sucks. I'm sure one of my sisters could say exactly, but let's just say it was in the ballpark of middle school. I think we rented this two story townhouse thing? I remember getting there, going in to the room we were going to sleep and seeing a lizard (a little one, maybe 4 inches long, but that was HUGE to a girl from Indiana) in the windowsill. We. FREAKED. OUT. My Dad grabbed a shoe (I think it was mine!! - sisters correct me...) and smashed that lizard. Swoon....our hero! That part of the story has nothing to do with Doritos and M&Ms, but it was on that vacation that my sisters and I discovered that eating Doritos and M&Ms simultaneously is absolutely delicious. Try it. Dare ya.

My brain is just swimming with memories like the above of my Daddy right now. He's been gone 8 years this week and I just have to say that I'm over it. I'm over him being gone. I'm over him not knowing my kids. Not knowing my husband. Not being there with my Mom. Over it. Over it. Over it. I'm over the guilt of my not being there with my Mom in the absence of my Dad. She doesn't make me feel that way. I just do.

The older I get, and the more my life evolves, the more angry I am that my Dad is not here to see it. The more I feel that my family has suffered a great injustice. And I'm over it. I don't really want to hear right now about how he's watching and he is here with me and blah blah blah. It's not the same.

And, anyway, that kind of thinking interferes with my pity party.

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I wrote this post two days ago and in my infinite wisdom I chose to sleep on it before I posted it. I just deleted 4 more paragraphs of things that I am "over." You're welcome. : )

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There are plenty of things in my life that I am so grateful for and I do try to specifically focus on them when my brain and my heart get dark like this.

I'm grateful for my stubborn resolve. I did not cave and eat Doritos and M&Ms. In case you're interested, my friend and I went to Panera and I had a bowl of Garden Vegetable Soup. <patting myself on the back>

And I'm grateful for these pictures.