Life's a witch. And then you fly.

(Cell phone pic of horrible quality due to 3 year old who wouldn't stand still)

The other day, Lily put on an outfit she picked out, which was horribly clashing with highwater pants, nearly causing my OCD to flare up (but I took a deep breath and realized there are more important things to fuss over than how well a 3 year old's clothes match).  She then threw an apron on top of that and was flying around the house on the broom like a witch.

All of her own doing.

It was hilarious, cause sometimes, with those tantrums she throws, she is a little witch!  And not the cute kind dressed up for Halloween!

But then, she'll do something that just breaks down all my barriers, all my frustrations, all my worries, all my stresses and I'm reminded of what's really important.  More on that in a bit.  First, a bit of an outpouring....

I've been having such a hard time lately.  My mental plate is overloaded.  In addition to those aforementioned tantrums that we've been dealing with for, oh, about 20 months, and all the other stressful, patience sucking, wonderfully amazing parenting moments, I've got several other big, big things going on in my life.

One is the Weight Watchers. (~5-6 pounds to go to my next goal - can't wait to reveal that one!  It's a big one!)  Weight Watchers is hard work.  Well, dieting in general is hard work.  But the planning and forethought along with the mental stamina and willpower to keep it up take up a lot of my brain space, patience and stress capacity.  Not to mention the fact that I'm a stress eater in the first place!  Go figure that one out!  I'm stressed so I eat, but I'm then stressed BECAUSE I eat and round and round we go! 

 

I've also got a lot going on at work.  Things have been pretty hard since late last summer when my boss changed jobs.  After a lot thinking (hem hawing), I applied for his job and after months of the run around, I didn't get it.  Which, I'm totally ok with, now.  Ego bruised, yes; but actually very grateful that I didn't re-up in this same group for another 2-3 years. 

 

But that's not really the part that's bad.  I think I'm going through some kind of quarter-career crisis (I wish, oh how I wish, it was a mid-career crisis but I'm pretty sure I've got more than 10 years to go before retirement....).  I feel like I'm at a crossroads - I have to decide how much more responsibility I'm willing to take on this point in my life.  I do have two small kids and I want to be home with them by 5:00.  And I sure as hell have no desire to regularly work after the kids go to bed.  I need unwind time, blog time, knitting time, TV time, husband time.  Not, 2-3 more hours of work time. 

 

But I also look around at some of my peers who seem to be climbing the ladder a little faster than me.  And I find myself in a position where I could end up working for one of these peers and that frustrates me beyond belief.  I don't see myself as any less capable than some of these people (in fact, I'm quite sure I'm more capable than some of them), yet they are going to manage me?  Give me assignments?  Teach and mentor me?  Rate my performance?  What?  It feels wrong. 

 

But those peers are willing to put in the 60+ hours per week and I'm not.  And, somehow, I have to get ok with the career related consequences of that choice.  I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I've got to figure it out or I'm going to drive myself CRAZY.  Kuh-RaY-ZEE!  Ok, let's be honest, I'm already there. 

 

AND, there are a few other things going on but this post is long enough already, and enough of my guts are spilled out on the table so I'll just get to the punch line story I hinted at above.

 

One evening last week, after a particularly emotional day at work, we sat down to dinner and the kids were behaving remarkably well.  So well, that Joel and I could actually carry on a conversation during the meal (other than "Tyler stop throwing that" "Lily sit back down in your chair" "Tyler get your hands out of your hair" "Lily, please eat your supper"). 

So I was telling Joel about my day, which was causing me to get emotional again and I started to cry.  I'm so focused on talking to Joel, that I didn't realize the affect I was having on the kids.  Next thing I know, Lily is standing at my side and snaking her little baby arms around me to give me a hug.  It rendered me completely speechless and I hug her back with all I've got.  And as I'm doing that, I'm looking over the top of her head at Tyler.  His eyes are full of tears, his bottom lip is sticking out and he looks scared, like he's about to start wailing any minute. 

 

Talk about snapping out of it. 

 

These little babes are everything to me.  And they are so wonderful.  And I will find a way to get at peace with my "slowed" career because there's NO WAY I can give up even one more hour of time that would otherwise be spent with them.  And there's NO WAY I want to add any more work stress to my life that's going to cause me to be so upset in front of the kids and affect them like that.

The silver lining.....

I will cherish that moment for the rest of my life.  We're raising loving, caring, empathetic little people.  They love me.  And that's a wonderful feeling.