I think I have to set a new goal for myself with respect to blogging and blog booking. I just can't keep up. I wanted to be able to write a blog post at minimum of once per week plus additional posts for major events. And then I wanted to get an entry in the blog book at the same time I posted it to the web - so I'd always be caught up. Well, I am doing good to get an entry month on the blog and I haven't even finished January in the blog book so clearly not meeting my goals on these hobbies. Or any hobby for that matter - knitting has also fallen by the wayside completely. Not sure I even remember how to do it. Hopefully my hands will know what to do the next time I pick up my needles.
I just don't seem to have the energy or umpf these days for any of these hobbies. Blogging started to feel like a chore and I have enough of those in my life as it is. While knitting can be a relaxing activity, you actually need to be able to keep your eyes open and focused for more than 5 seconds at a time in order to be effective at it.
A couple months ago, Joel and I got in to this unfortunate habit of getting the kids settled in bed by 8-8:15pm and then we'd immediately crawl in to bed too. Stare at the TV for a while, play on my phone and then go to sleep around 10. No energy to do anything else.
So why don't I have energy? At first I thought maybe I was a bit depressed. And while there might be a tinge of that going on, I don't think that's actually the problem.
I think I'm just honest to goodness WORE DOWN TO THE NUB. My work is very....hmm, how to say it.... FULL. The work itself isn't that stressful - it's just that there's SO MUCH of it, that it becomes stressful trying to manage it and prioritize and feel successful. I get to work by 7:15-7:30 everyday and I'm pretty much balls to the wall until I go home at 5 (or 5:30 or 6:00 or whatever...). I've tried very hard to avoid having to work more in the evenings either before or after the kids go to bed, but I'm finding that harder and harder to avoid. So at least 2 nights a week, I end up with the computer back out just trying to get caught up. Which is ridiculous because my brain is stupid and mush by the time I get to that - I'm not sure I'm actually doing the work any justice.
Then there's the kids and gall-dang tantrums. Especially Lily. I feel terrible because I'm pretty sure 80% of the recent, scarce blog posts have been complaining about this child and her holy hella tantrums. I'm (we're) just at our wits end on this. Several nights a week, we have fighting and yelling and tantrums and it usually starts at dinner time (or before) and lasts until bedtime (or after). These fights are enough to break you down so far, it might take you two days to recover. Just in time for the next fight. I'm thinking a call to the pediatrician is in order here. Or, perhaps, I could figure out how to squeeze in the time or energy to watch to stupid $200 parenting videos we subscribed to like 9 months ago and have watched exactly one of.
Then there's my diet and exercise. I'm still waking up at 4:30am five days a week and usually by 5:00am on Saturdays to go to my Farrell's workout. I still love it. Couldn't imagine life without it. On the extremely rare occasion that I miss, I feel terrible - mentally and physically - until I get back there for the next work out. Hmmm, is that the definition of an addition???
Anyhow, in spite of my diligence to the workouts, my weight is up and has been up for the last 7 months. I can't seem to get it off. I'm saying that like it's some big mystery as to why it's up in the first place and why it's not coming off. It's because I had surgery back in April, was laid up for while, ate myself stupid and put on weight. And then I tried to correct but have been messing up every since. Just in the last 5 weeks alone, I've gained and lost the same five pounds FOUR TIMES. I'll be such a good little soldier Monday through Friday and then Saturday/Sunday hit and I over do it. Like WAAAAAAAAAAY over do it. Like can't keep my hands out of the candy jar / cookie jar / chip bag / kids uneaten plates. Going to a party/festival/family visit road trip? Instant 3-5 pounds comes on because I can't stay out of the junk. I can't limit it to one little helping as a treat. I binge. Like the overweight, unhealthy in mind and body person I was 2.5 years ago.
So, point is, the early wake up times plus the week to week weight yoyo and inability to STOP THE MADNESS with my eating is stressing me out and adding to my lack of energy.
People tell me, "You don't need to lose weight!" "You look fine!" "Why are you dieting?!" Oh and my favorite, "Just relax and stop stressing!"
Because people. It's a slippery slope. And I'm barely hanging on here. And....my pants are tight.
I sat down tonight to try to get caught up on my blog and all I've succeeded in doing is wasting time complaining about why I can't be caught up on my blog.
Sigh.
Tomorrow is another day.
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